Sander's Courage Read online

you first."

  "Johnnie knows it that I'm right, don't you,

  Johnnie?"

  "Why would I know?" I chuckled.

  "You know everything about everything, and you

  are a spy and hang out with Obama!" he teased.

  "No I don't!"

  "Yes you do! You play basketball and smoke

  cigarettes together!" he laughed. "And you let him win."

  "I most certainly do not! Pokey, can you believe this

  guy?"

  "No! I don't! Not one bit!" he laughed, as we pulled

  away from the school and headed home. "This one is just a

  big rascal, and he knows it!"

  "I am so happy that you rescued me from the

  school! We'll have a great time, just us three and two cats!"

  Jannik said with glee. "I thought I was gonna have a boring

  time at home, but not now."

  "We always have a good time," I said. "And

  besides, we miss you when you're not there."

  PULLING UP TO THE HOUSE we were surprised to see

  my car parked in the drive.

  "Would you look at that?" I said, shocked to see my

  ride back where it belonged. We had planned to pick it up

  on Monday, but there it was.

  "There is a letter on the window!" Jannik said,

  hopping out of the car to retrieve it. I glanced at it and

  smiled.

  "Check this out, Pokes!" I said, passing the note to

  Sander.

  Stuplemann's

  Auto Delivery Service

  No Job Too Big!

  "Wow! Is there a thing she will not do for us?"

  Sander exclaimed. "How do she do it?"

  "I stopped asking that two years ago," I replied.

  "She must really love us."

  "Is it Marge who do this?" Jannik asked.

  "Yep. It's Marge," I said. "That wonderful gal. We

  gotta do something for her sometime. Trouble is, she's not

  very good at receiving favors, you know?"

  "You shall find her a girl! That what we can do! She

  need a love from a good woman!" Jannik offered. "There a

  teacher at my school who is lesbisk, and the lady who cook

  the food is too. So we hooking them up, yes?"

  "Listen to the little matchmaker back there!" I joked.

  "Next he'll be picking out the china."

  "Hey, it's good idea and so I say it."

  "We'll see," Sander added.

  "I know what we'll see mean... It mean answer is

  no. But I not am give up so very easy, you will see, Pokey

  Mon!"

  "Pokey Mon? What the hell?" Sander chuckled.

  "It your Jamaica name! Good, yeah?"

  "I thought you meant Pokémon, like your cards," I

  said.

  "He don't get a good joke when he hear it, do he?"

  Jannik said to his brother. "I has to draw him a picture."

  "Let's go inside, for helvede! Maybe we leave you

  here!" Sander kidded, and then we walked to the house

  and the inviting embrace of home.

  Part Two

  Chapter 13

  he young man waited for the bus just outside of the

  main hospital entrance. The news wasn't good, and

  T they'd given him every possible option. It wasn't

  that they hadn't tried their very best. They offered to find

  him alternate care, they said they would coordinate

  everything for him, but he just smiled and sincerely

  thanked them for all they'd done. He'd also refused contact

  with his parents. They didn't need the burden, and he was

  a failure as a son anyway, he thought. It was best this way.

  "HERE KITTIES! YOUR FAVORITE ONE IS in the house!

  Klaus! Slinky! Come for kisses!" Jannik called. And

  damned if those two feline reprobates didn't come trotting

  in like a couple of trained show hounds. Slinky jumped

  into his arms, and Klaus did figure eights around his legs.

  "Makes me sick!" Sander laughed. "He must be

  their crack dealer, is all I can think."

  "True that, Pokes. Those little fuckers always hide

  from me."

  "What do you guys want for dinner? It's my night,"

  Sander said. "You can have anything except for what you

  like."

  "Okay, I hate pizza! And I really hate hamburgers

  with ketchup only! And you better not goddamn give me

  any of those shitty awful pancakes!" Jannik protested with

  a big smile. "Because I hate those too!"

  "Fuck it, Pokes. You better not make your god

  awful biksemad, either! I do not like that crap at all!" I

  teased.

  "Yes! I even makes better throwing up than your

  butthole biksemad!" Jannik added for good measure.

  "Okay then what did we decide?" Sander asked,

  deadpan.

  "Burgers?" I said.

  "Pancakes?" from Jannik.

  "Okay! Burgers and pancakes it shall be. Now fuck

  off, the both of you."

  I LOVE THE HOURS SPENT BETWEEN dinner and

  bedtime. I'm on the sofa with Sander, he reads a novel that

  he's been engrossed in for a week. Our knees touch; I lay

  my head against the fluffy cushion, my eyes shut. Softly

  the mp3 dialed on my phone fills the room with La

  Bohème, that glorious Puccini opera that converts musical

  signatures into pure magic. It was Jannik who selected it,

  and as the arias each reach their crescendos, he is content

  to create the cure for something with his Legos spread

  around the oaken floor.

  None of us says a word. We don't have to. The

  leaving of the sun, soon to light the eastern seaboard states

  of my home country, has caused the room to turn a

  calming shade of blue that will change only when Sander

  decides to stoke a fire in the potbelly wood stove. The

  fading of the day is good for the soul. It's like a handshake

  agreement between you and the universe. You made it

  through another day, friend. Now this day has passed,

  never to return. Well done. We'll see you in the morning.

  "Somebody comes," Jannik announced. The knock

  came immediately. "I'm getting it!" and before either of us

  could say anything, he'd arrived at the front door. "Hello,"

  he said in Danish to the visitor standing on the cobblestone

  pathway outside the door. "Did you need something?"

  "Is Sander here?" the young man softly asked.

  "He's my brother. I'll go get him." But before Jannik

  had a chance to go after him, Sander stood behind,

  shocked to see the one standing before him.

  "Hi, Sander," the young man said. "How's it going?"

  "Fine. Uh. Really okay. What about with you?"

  Sander asked. Jannik glanced between the guy at the door,

  and his brother. Nothing was wrong, actually. But

  something wasn't right. I was still on the couch, and

  looking at the door I only saw Sander and Jannik.

  Everything seemed fine.

  "Can I please talk with you? Please?"

  "What about?" Sander asked, no hint of anything

  other than general curiosity in his voice.

  "Who is he, Pokey?" Jannik wondered. Sander just

  absent mindedly stroked his little brother's hair a little,

  then snapped out of the blank stare he'd fallen into.

  "Yes. Of course. Come in," Sander said. "Jannik, will

  you push the comfy chair to the sofa?
" The boy ran to the

  den to retrieve the chair. I saw them enter the room, both

  Sander and the young man standing opposite me.

  "This is Johnnie Allen. He's my man; soon we are

  married," Sander said softly. "Uhmm, Johnnie? This is..."

  "Here comes the chair! Coming in for a big fat

  landing!" Jannik joked, pushing and arranging the large

  chair. "I know, Johnnie, I don't scratch the floor!"

  "...And of course, this is my little brother, Jannik.

  You remember him?" Sander asked.

  "Yes. Hello, Jannik." The boy shot him a quick wave

  and sat down next to me. The room was thick, and I knew

  something was odd. But I couldn't have guessed what it

  was in a thousand years.

  "Johnnie, this is Torben Petersen." What my face

  must have looked like. I immediately became short of

  breath, a bit lightheaded even. "Torben is—was..."

  "I know who Torben is," I said as calmly and evenly

  as I possibly could. Torben was a schoolmate of Sander's

  who had been his lover for over a year back when they

  were thirteen or fourteen years old. Sander

  had

  worshipped the ground he walked on, and Torben repaid

  him by un-ceremoniously and hatefully outing him at

  school, which drove Sander to attempt suicide. If Jannik

  hadn't found him and rushed off for help, Sander would

  be dead.

  Dead.

  No other way to sugarcoat it.

  "Can I please talk with you?" Torben began. I

  offered to take Jannik and go to another part of the

  house, but Sander quickly shook his head no. This was

  his problem and he was going to deal with it, and there

  was no way he would keep anything from me, or even

  Jannik. His brother had just as much skin in the game as

  Sander did, having suffered the trauma of seeing Sander

  struggling with a belt around his neck.

  "Jannik brought you a chair, Torben. Have a seat.

  Can we get you something to drink?"

  "A glass of water, please?" And before he could be

  asked, Jannik popped up and grabbed a bottled water

  from the fridge. He handed it off to Torben and sat down,

  cheekily adding, "Don't worry. I didn't poison it."

  "So what brings you way out here?" Sander began.

  "It's not an easy place to get to without a car."

  "I took the bus into Gelsted and walked the rest of

  the way. I didn't know if you'd even be here. I saw what

  happened on the news, and I thought maybe I could come

  and talk with you."

  "What about? I mean, I thought we'd said all there

  is. I told you I forgave you, and I really did, Torben. So

  why are you here?"

  He slumped a bit, his head held low. Defeated,

  perhaps? I didn't know anything about him other than

  what I'd heard, but he didn't look too good, whatever the

  case.

  "You know what they say about karma? What a

  fucking bitch she is?" Torben answered. "Well, you'll be

  happy to know that my karma for what I did to you has

  finally arrived in crates."

  "Why will that make me happy?" Sander asked. "I

  don't wish anything bad for you. I never did, Torben. I

  think maybe you forget how much I loved you back then.

  Enough to... Enough to—"

  "You don't have to say it, Pokey. He knows what he

  did to you," I said. "And so does that little guy right there,

  Torben. See him?"

  Torben slowly nodded and that's when the water

  works flowed.

  "I know that you're sorry, okay? But I don't know

  what you want from us. You're not playing fair right now,"

  Sander said.

  "Did he ever?" came the short reply from Jannik.

  "Sander, I left my family when I left our old

  school. I was living near Copenhagen and nobody knew

  me there. I was the big man out on my own, and I did

  some really stupid stuff," Torben said. Sander looked at

  him, confused.

  "What? Bank robbery? Drugs? What the fuck,

  Torben?"

  "I'm gay, yeah?"

  "Yeah, I know that more than anybody. So you're

  gay. I'm gay. Johnnie's gay. Big fucking deal, every-

  fucking-body's gay. So what? Now you figure it out and

  you want me to bless you? Okay! Bless fucking you! You're

  gay." Sander exclaimed. "Glad you finally know you're

  gay!"

  "I fucked up, Sander. Real bad. And I don't know

  anybody else to go to," Torben said.

  "Okay. So what'd you do that's so fucked up that

  you come to me after four years with all this?"

  "Every night I went to the clubs, I went to the park,

  I went to the toilets at the train station, I went to the

  baths..."

  "No protection?" I asked. He nodded.

  "I didn't get tested until I got really sick. I mean

  fucking sick all the time. So when I did, they said I'd

  already... They told me I had a really aggressive cancer

  probably related to AIDS, and they helped me, but I'd

  waited too long and this was a really aggressive strain. So

  I'm finished. I'm done, Sander."

  Silence enveloped the room, and the bluish light

  had passed to near darkness. I asked Jannik to switch on a

  couple of lamps while Sander and I processed what

  Torben had told us.

  "I'm sorry to hear that," Sander said. "I'm so sorry,

  Torben. What does your family say?"

  "They're not in the picture," he said. "You know my

  parents. They're busy with their own shit, and being drunk

  all the time. And I don't want my mom to know I have the

  plague. I thought I'd tell her I have cancer or something at

  the last minute," Torben explained.

  "Do you really think that's fair?" Sander asked him.

  "They love you and will want to be with you."

  "No they don't. And they won't. They don't know

  how to run their own lives; how are they gonna be any use

  in this situation? Anyway, I wanted to tell you," Torben

  said.

  "Why did you come here tonight, Torben?" Sander

  asked. "Go ahead. Tell us. We take the truth better than

  most, I think. And I know you well enough to know that

  you're not just here to give us the bad news."

  "No, it's okay. I don't know what I was thinking. I

  should probably go anyway."

  "He wants to stay here." It was Jannik who

  acknowledged the elephant in the room. "He knows that

  you're the only one who would ever help him."

  Moments passed. Torben looked at Sander and

  nodded. "He's right. I apologize. I don't know what I

  was thinking."

  "Yes you do. I just told you," Jannik said. "You

  think my brother is soft in the head. But he's

  not stupid."

  "It's okay, cowboy. Thanks for having my back,"

  Sander smiled. Then Torben sobbed, clearly knowing—as

  he'd already put it—how badly he'd fucked up, beginning

  with what he'd done to Pokey.

  Sander turned to me and took my hand. "Johnnie?"

  It's all he had to say. I knew where this was going.

  "It's totally your call, Pokes. I'll back you, whatever

 
you decide."

  "One thing's for sure, Torben. You're at least

  staying here tonight because there's no buses back to

  Odense, and where would you go anyway? So welcome.

  Have you eaten anything?"

  "Not since this morning," he replied.

  "Chef Jannik! A couple of burgers for Torben? Hold

  the poison?" Sander joked. Jannik headed off to the kitchen

  and fired up the microwave.

  I was completely floored by what I'd just seen.

  Many times in these writings I have related how amazed I

  am by Sander Lars Hansen. His spirit, his empathy, the

  love he leaves everywhere he goes. As uncomfortable as I

  still felt by sheltering the person who, through his cruelty,

  had nearly cost me the love of my life, I couldn't help but

  focus on the unselfish act of kindness and true forgiveness

  my man had shown him. For better or for worse, I was all

  in.

  "ARE YOU REALLY OKAY with Torben being here?"

  Sander asked me, his head lying on my chest, his

  shoulders curled within my left arm. "I only told him he

  could stay for--"

  "He stays as long as you want him to stay. And I

  have absolutely no problem with it as long as you're okay

  with it," I told him. "I don't know how Cracker Jack feels

  about it, and I don't think I'd mention it to your mom quite

  yet, but I promise it's okay with me."

  He kissed my chest and snuggled up a little closer.

  The rain had returned and the radio said we were in for

  three days of downpours. But it never bothered me

  because harsh weather just meant I'd have an excuse to

  cuddle up to him even closer.

  "I will ask Jannik if he is bothered if Torben stays,

  and of course I don't know for how long a time he needs to

  be here. But, anyway, one day each day, yeah?" Sander

  sighed.

  "I think you mean one day at a time."

  "It's what I say, grammy Nazi."

  "Uhmm. Grammar Nazi."

  "Fuck you."

  "Okay. Fuck me."

  "Serious?" Sander smiled. "Because I do it! You

  don't should start what you don't finish!" He laughed.

  "Hey, I'm not starting anything. I'm just laying here

  minding my own business, when the cute, sexy, horny

  Dane jumps into my bed and takes advantage of me!"

  "You get one thing right about that! Roll over and I

  will teach that cute ass one big lesson!" Sander joked. "And

  when I finish you will beg for more, Johnnie Allen! You